Muslimivitsejä

Varoitus lukijalle!
Seuraava teksti sisältää joukon netissä pörrääviä muslimivitsejä. Vitsit ovat poliittisesti epäkorrekteja ja irvailevat ihmisten/kansojen/uskontojen/maiden kustannuksella. Lue omalla vastuulla.

----------------------------

Q: What do you ask a man who's just converted to Islam?
A: Have you started beating your wife?

Q How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.

Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat.

Q: Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
A:Neither did I.

Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. What's toilet paper?

Q How can you recognise a well-balanced Muslim?
A He's got chips on both shoulders.

Q: What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
A: Lefty!

Q: What's the difference between Dar al-Islam and a pot of bio-yogurt?
A: The yogurt has a living culture.

Q: What do you call a drunk Muslim?
A: Hamed.

Q: What do you call a very drunk Muslim?
A: Mohammed.

Q: What do you do when you see 100 dead Arabs?
A: Laugh and reload!

------------------------

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the World Trade Center used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."

The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when Arabs destroyed them."

The son looks up to his father, and asks, "What are Arabs?"

------------------------

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at
the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a
Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad."

St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder
behind you and you will meet Muhammad"

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and
there is Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to
Heaven".

The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor
to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim
and I really want to meet Muhammad".

Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad.

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he
can't see anything but bright light. He sees this
figure before him and asks "Who are you?"

The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you.
Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his
hand.

The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says
to God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't
believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim
and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet
Muhammad."

God says "Ohh.. You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"

The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"

God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"

------------------------

15 skinheads chase a Muslim into a shop and proceed to kick 7 flavors of shi’ite out of him. Eventually, the police arrive and arrest everyone.

One of the cops walks over to the assistant and asks if he saw it all happen.

When the clerk replies “yes”, the cop asks why he didn’t help out.

“I thought 15 was enough,” came the reply.

------------------------

A Russian, Italian, Frenchman and Muslim were on a plane, they needed to get rid of some weight as the plane was to heavy to fly. After arguing and realizing it was not the Muslims fault they decied to get rid of some extra weight.

The Russian said, I will get rid of the vodka I brought because in my country we habe much Vodka and I can get anytime.
The italian said I will get rid of all my Vino because in Italy we have much wine..
The Frenchman threw the Muslims out the window.

Why did you do that, the others asked?

The Frenchman replied, because in my country we have many Muslims........

------------------------

Q: What do female Muslims use for birth control?
A: Their faces.

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse?
A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.

Q. What's the difference between an American BBQ and an Islamic BBQ?
A. In America, Humans roast animals over a fire. In Islam, it's the other way around.

Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
A. "Having car trouble?"

Q. What's the difference between Cindy Sheehan and a terrorist enemy?
A. I don't know either.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package?
A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.

------------------------

know how to tell when a Muslim boy becomes a man?

his diaper is taken off of his ass and placed on his head.

------------------------

A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind." The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."

Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat.

Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
Neither did I.

Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. What's toilet paper?

Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A. Tickle the goat under the chin.

Here are a few tasteless jokes even al-Qaeda can appreciate:

Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.

Did you hear about the prostitute who came out of a bar and was stoned? She didn't survive.

Did you hear about the greatest bash they ever had in Bali? Everyone was bombed. (this last one makes Bin Laden roll on the floor, piss in his robe, and kiss his goat)

------------------------

a muslim joke: muhammad

------------------------

72 Questions on the 72 Virgins

OSAMA BIN LADEN THE INTERNATIONAL ASSHOLE !!!!

Muslim have always beleieved that that a "martyr" (shaheed) who dies while fighting in the holy war against the infidels (jihad) goes to paradise where he is given 72 beautiful virgins for wives plus a number of never aging boys for slaves , This is the eternal bliss that the Islamic mans wants . In an interesting twist, if a woman dies as a martyr, she is rewarded with only one husband since women are supposed to stay monogamous even in heaven -- according to the same Islamic doctrine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
1 What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
2 If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
3 Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
4 If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
5 When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
6 Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?

------------------------

30 Common answers from muslims

During discussion with muslims I always get these answers from them, I made a list of the most popular ones if anyone has more please list them.

1. Read the Qur'an with an open mind
2. You took the verse out of context
3. Read the following verse
4. Read the verse before that one
5. Christians kill too
6. That Hadith is false
7. That Hadith is suspicious
8. You must know arabic to understand the Qur'an
9. Must be an error in the translation
10. What's your religion?
11. Allah knows your actions before you are born but you have free will
12. Muhammed is the last prophet because the Qur'an says so
13. Qur'an is true because Muhammed said so
14. Enemies of Islam wrote that Hadith
15. Aysha was 22 when she got married
16. Girls in the desert mature more quickly
17. She was 6 but she consented to marry Muhamed
18. Everybody is born a muslim
19. Muhammed was the first muslim
20. Jesus and Abraham were muslim
21. Adam was the first muslim
22. You must recite the shahada to become a muslim
23. Those muslims that kill muslims are not muslims
24. The russian police killed those children
25. 9/11 was a jewish conspiracy
26. Killing innocents is forbidden in Islam
27. Katrina was Allah's punishment on the Kuffar
28. Jewish used to stone their women too
29. Christians killed unbelievers too
30. Jews have a Tsunami machine.

any more?

------------------------

here are the answers i generally get :
1) what is your religion?
2) you know nothing about islam.
3) you can't judge muhammad with your inferior manmade morality.
4) muhammad's wars were defensive.
5) muhammad only took back what belongs to Muslims.
6) marrying little girls was common those days.
7) muhammad didn't have sex with her until she reached puberty.
8) muhammad brought peace and tolerance in arabia.
9) the bible is very violent.
10) look at the crusades!
11) you have never been a Muslim before!
12) you are a jew!
13) you must respect our beliefs.
14 ) aren't you afraid of hellfire ? you will be roasted and i'll laugh at you!
15) you are a traitor to your nation and to your people , shame on you!
16) you chose darkness instead of light.
17) quotes from qur'an like "they have their religion , and you have yours"
17) muhammad took sex slaves only for their protection.
19) islam teaches tolerance for people of the book .
20) the qur'an prophets weren't hebrews , nor jews , they were muslims!

------------------------

Osama bin Laden dies and goes to paradise. Once in paradise, he finds himself surrounded by 72 of the ugliest skanks anyone has ever laid eyes upon. A bemused Allah then says to him: "Why do you think they're still virgins?!"

------------------------

The Top 15 Events in the Taliban Olympics

15. The Long-Distance Bite-Off-More-Than-You-Can-Chew
14. The Four-Man Bomb Sled
13. Synchronized Surrendering
12. Jalalabadminton
11. Women's 4x200 Avoid-Drowning-in-the-Burqa Relay
10. Decapitathlon
9. Women's Downhill-From-Here Flogging
8. Sprint into the Dark Ages
7. Buddha Statue Marksmanship
6. Women's Don't-Show-Your-Figure Skating
5. Tora Bora Cave Whack-a-Mole
4. Regardless of the event, the Saudi judge will still cheat.
3. Mixed Pairs Minefield Dancing (Men only)
2. Goat Vaulting
and Number 1 Event in the Taliban Olympics...
1. The 600-Yard Bowel-Evacuating Daisy-Cutter Dash.

------------------------

The Top 17 Songs About Osama bin Laden
17. Bomb Drops Keep Fallin' on my Head
16. Ain't No Mountain High Enough, or With Enough Caves
15. Taliban on the Run
14. Jalalabad Moon Risin'
13. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Bunker
12. Freebeard
11. Allah Said Knock You Out
10. The Goatest Love of All
9. Don't Cry for Me, Al Qaeda
8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (So I Cut Off Her Hands and Publicly Stoned Her to Death)
7. Meet'yer Mak'er
6. Grandmullah Got Run Over By a Reindeer
5. Pretty Fly for a Soon-to-be Dead Guy
4. The Night They Drove Ol' Dickhead Down
3. He Ain't Heavy, Which is Good Because Someone's Going to Have to Carry His Lifeless Body a Substantial Distance
2. (Shittin' in the) Back of the Cave
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song About Osama bin Laden...
1. Cheney's Got a Gun.

------------------------

TEN REASONS TO LOVE
"PALESTINIAN" ARABS
By Goffaq Yussef
[Arabic for "Go F*** Yourself"]

Golly gee, I am SOOOO proud to be a Palestinian Arab from the West Bank. Let me tell you the reasons why I have such warm, fuzzy feelings about my people and culture:

1. There is no such thing as Mothers Day. No worry about cards, gifts, and expensive meals. There is no honor in being a woman in our culture, so there is no reason to devote a day to her. We do, however, get to enjoy watching our fathers beat our mothers senseless for the slightest real or imagined infraction. Also, if Dad suspects that Mom spoke to a strange man in the street, he gets to kill her to preserve the family honor!

2. Weapons. Every child, from the time he can grasp an object, is trained to feel comfortable with a rifle or pistol in his hand. And every Palestinian has a weapon: a gun, a rocket launcher, a pound of C-4. What good are hands if they aren't used to kill?

3. Hate. Boy, we love to hate. Hate is the very basis and foundation of our culture. From the time a child is old enough to understand language, we teach him to hate. Hate Jews, hate the West, hate his fellow man, and most of all, hate himself. We have no love songs, we do not preach love, the word love does not appear anywhere in our society. Hate is the fuel that runs our motors.

4. Death. The moment a Palestinian Arab child is born, his parents begin to plan his death. How will he die? Will he be struck by an Israeli bullet while being used as a human shield by Palestinian gunmen? Will he get shot while throwing rocks at Jewish soldiers? Will he be packed with explosives and sent to blow himself up, killing others? Or will he merely be one of the many Palestinians murdered by other Palestinians in the normal course of daily life in the death-culture of the Palestinian Arabs? Who knows? That's part of the thrill.

5. Unemployment. Palestinians used to have jobs, working in Israel. But then, our leaders had a brilliant idea: suicide bombings! For their own protection, Israel had to close its borders, preventing Palestinians from going to their jobs, so they could sit around unemployed and blame the Jews for it. What great fun to be your own worst enemy!

6. Martyrdom. Who in their right mind wants to be a martyr? Among normal people, a martyr complex is considered immature and obnoxious, if not downright crazy. With us, it's the central syndrome of our society! Hey, look at me, I'm gonna kill myself and become admired! And then, when we do kill ourselves, instead of being considered pathetic, we DO get admired! It's a whole complete cycle of sickness! American kids collect baseball cards; Palestinian kids collect martyr cards (really! no joke!).

7. A feeling of entitlement. When Israel came into being, we declared war. We lost. We fought again. We lost. We fought again. We lost. Israel had the right to kill us all (we sure would kill all of them if we got the chance). Instead, they allow us to live on land they conquered. But we can't leave that alone. We have to claim entitlement to live on land that we lost in 6 wars. Since when does the loser of a war get to claim the land he fought over? They don't. But we do. Not only that, but we happily kill our kids over it! Hey, what's more important -- a chunk of dirt, or some worthless kid who isn't going to amount to anything anyway?

8. Uselessness. The Jews have won more Nobel Prizes than all other ethnic groups combined. Their contributions to science, art, literature and the humanities is far out of proportion to their population. What have Palestinians produced? Nothing! Not a thing. We don't do anything productive. We're too busy rioting and killing and chanting and screaming and calling for everyone's death. And we blame the Jews for it, as though the Jews stop us from being productive.

9. Friends. The Palestinian people sure know how to pick 'em. Saadam Hussein. The Taliban. Adolf Hitler. You name a psychopath, and we embrace him. And look who our supporters are! The American Nazi Party. The KKK. Just check their websites and see how they stand in solidarity with us. When you support the Palestinian "cause," you're in real good company. Bring your white sheet!

10. Freedom. The biggest laugh in the world is when people call us "freedom fighters" or they say we're fighting for our freedom. Take a look at all 22 Arab countries. Do you see any freedom there? Well, that's what our country will be like if we ever get one. It will be a dictatorship run by armed, masked thugs who will kill anyone who dissents. Just like we are now. Freedom???? LOLOLOLOL The word doesn't even exist in our language. Hey, just like George Orwell said: "Freedom is slavery. Long live big brother!"


Remember: Israel is bad!
Its existence keeps reminding us what a bunch of losers we are.

------------------------

Here are some jokes from standup comic, Goffaq Yussef.
Note: This is not really an Arab Muslim.
Arab Muslims who poke fun at their society end up dead. Very dead.


What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb.
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews!

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?
It features full facial nudity!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy,
"After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?"

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
"Live ammunition."